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PENNY: Previously on
The Big Bang Theory...
2
00:00:04,255 --> 00:00:08,426
Look at all that chest hair and over bite.
Of course you're a Wolowitz.
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00:00:11,096 --> 00:00:13,014
Son of a bitch, he bit me!
4
00:00:13,556 --> 00:00:16,810
I guess I'll just go
to the emergency room to be safe.
5
00:00:17,477 --> 00:00:19,270
Howie, this is just your hypochondria.
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When I sat on the mute button
and thought I'd gone deaf,
7
00:00:22,023 --> 00:00:23,525
that was my hypochondria.
8
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We'll find another time
to tell him I'm pregnant.
9
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- Morning.
- Morning.
10
00:00:43,169 --> 00:00:45,463
"We?" What is this?
11
00:00:45,964 --> 00:00:48,216
I don't know.
Maybe it says something on the back.
12
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"Continued on milk."
13
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If you're tricking me
into making my own breakfast,
14
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it didn't work for my mom
and it won't work for you.
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"Are." "We are..."
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"See spoons for more."
(DRY CHUCKLE)
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What could it be? "We are Groot"?
18
00:01:08,486 --> 00:01:13,241
"We are the champions"? "We are family.
I got all my sisters with me"?
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Are you serious?
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Yeah.
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Are you sure?
22
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Yeah. Pretty positive.
23
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That's a joke,
because the pregnancy test says that--
24
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Oh, my God!
25
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This is incredible.
We're gonna be parents.
26
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We're gonna get to board planes first!
27
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Finally gonna get to see what's
in that "family" bathroom at the mall.
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(GIGGLES)
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- I know, it's crazy.
- It is crazy.
30
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Oh!
31
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I mean, how do you prepare
for something like this?
32
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I'm not even sure I've held a baby before.
33
00:02:01,039 --> 00:02:02,415
Oh, it's okay, you'll figure it out.
34
00:02:02,582 --> 00:02:05,543
But how's this all gonna work?
Do we get a nanny?
35
00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:06,920
And can we afford a nanny?
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If we can, we can't get a pretty one
'cause it'll wreck our marriage.
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We can't get an ugly one
'cause it'll scare the kid.
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- I don't know, Howie.
- Are we in a good school district?
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You're Catholic, I'm Jewish!
What religion do we raise it?
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And if it's a boy,
do we get him circumcised?
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People say it's barbaric, but if we don't
it looks like a pig in a blanket.
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(DEEP BREATHING)
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Calm down, it's gonna be okay.
44
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How's it gonna be okay?
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Look at me. I'm a mess.
46
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And that means
this baby's gonna be half a mess
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and that's even before we screw it up
48
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with our cut-rate,
moderately attractive nanny.
49
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(THEME SONG PLAYING)
50
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Hey Raj, I read
a couple guys in your department
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may have discovered
a new planet in our solar system?
52
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Oh, I heard about that.
Why didn't you discover it?
53
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Because instead of being
in the telescope room,
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I was busy making you guys
homemade jam for the holidays.
55
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Well, you be sure to let us know
56
00:03:29,669 --> 00:03:31,880
when you win the Nobel prize
for boysenberry.
57
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- Hey.
- Hello.
58
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- Ready to play when you are.
- Yeah, in a minute.
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I actually need
to tell you guys something.
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If it's thank you for the homemade jam
you got in December,
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congratulations, you're the first one.
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What's going on?
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(CLEARS THROAT) I'm...
(CHUCKLES)
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Uh... Gonna be a father.
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- What? Congratulations.
- That's amazing.
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Oh, no!
67
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Why "oh, no"?
68
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Because this changes everything.
69
00:04:06,664 --> 00:04:07,999
What about comic book night?
70
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What about playing games together?
What about our trips to Disneyland?
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How can we do those things
with a child around?
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Relax, there's room for two babies
in this group.
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Oh, dear Lord, Penny's pregnant too?
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You're the other baby.
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Oh, really? Okay. Well, would a baby
have to shave once every 11 days?
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Would an adult refuse
to eat his graham crackers
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because one of them was broken?
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I guess we'll call this a draw.
79
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So, I'm glad you guys are here.
80
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There's something
I want to share with you.
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- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- Howie and I are going to--
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(GASPS) Leonard says you're pregnant!
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What?
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"Don't say anything, act surprised
when she tells you."
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All right, how you wanna do this?
86
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- I'm pregnant.
- Oh, my God! I can't believe it!
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(LAUGHS) This is so exciting!
88
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Yeah, yeah, real exciting.
89
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What, are you not happy about this?
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00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:07,475
I am. Of course I am.
91
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I'm sure it's just the hormones.
92
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But it's weird.
93
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Howie's the one who's been talking
about having kids for years
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and I was all excited to tell him
because I thought he'd be thrilled,
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but then he started to flip out
and now this feels like a bad idea,
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and I'm gonna get fat.
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No! No, come on. Come on,
you're not gonna get fat,
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you're gonna be beautiful and glowing,
and have the cutest little baby bump ever.
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Easy for you to say, skinny bitch.
100
00:05:33,918 --> 00:05:35,294
Sorry, hormones.
101
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Oh, that's all right.
All I heard was skinny.
102
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I wouldn't make too much
out of Howard not reacting
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the way you expected him to.
104
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Yeah, I'm sure
it was just the initial shock of it all.
105
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You're probably right.
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After we talked about it
he started to calm down.
107
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I shouldn't be raising a kid.
I don't even eat my own vegetables.
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Buddy, I think you might be overreacting.
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And then there's this nose. I mean...
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What if he looks like me?
111
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Or worse, (GASPS)
what if she looks like me?
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Not to mention
the impact on our social circle.
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Everything's going to change.
Howard won't be able to come over as much.
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Well, he could bring the baby here.
115
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Then we'd have to baby-proof
the apartment.
116
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Yeah, my sister has one of those
toilet locks in her bathroom.
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I have two doctorates,
I still had to go in the sink.
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Oh, my God, and do you have any idea
how expensive having a kid is?
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Yeah, I read that in Los Angeles,
raising a child through college
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can cost over a million dollars.
121
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A million dollars?
122
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It's like my nuts
just kicked me in the nuts.
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That's it, I gotta start earning
more money right now.
124
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I know, you could ask Bernadette
for a raise in your allowance.
125
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This isn't a joke.
126
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I wasn't joking.
127
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It'll be fine, people have kids every day.
You'll figure this out.
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Yeah, come on, this is great news
and you know it.
129
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You're right, it is.
I'm just a little overwhelmed right now.
130
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Hey, you know what we should do?
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All get vasectomies
so this doesn't happen to us?
132
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Go out and celebrate.
133
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But not your worst idea.
134
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Hey, let's go do something
to get your mind off this.
135
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Yeah, yeah, we should go out.
136
00:07:26,781 --> 00:07:28,825
- Where?
- Uh, I don't know, a bar?
137
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Can't drink.
138
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We can, but all right.
139
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Are you hungry?
How about that sushi place you love?
140
00:07:35,748 --> 00:07:37,458
Doctor said I can't have sushi.
141
00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:39,919
Okay, look, we don't have to go anywhere.
142
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We can just, you know, stay here
and hang out in the hot tub.
143
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Doctor said I can't go in the hot tub.
144
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Maybe you should get a new doctor.
145
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What, he said you can't laugh either?
146
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I'd like to propose a toast
to our friend Howard.
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00:07:58,396 --> 00:08:01,065
His big heart, his beautiful soul--
148
00:08:01,232 --> 00:08:04,402
And his tight little pants
that somehow did not make him sterile.
149
00:08:05,570 --> 00:08:07,238
ALL: Cheers!
150
00:08:09,490 --> 00:08:10,658
Now look at this.
151
00:08:10,825 --> 00:08:14,412
Now I bet whoever invented tiny umbrellas
doesn't have to worry about money.
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He can have all the kids he wants.
153
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And can keep a small portion
of their heads dry.
154
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(LEONARD CHUCKLES)
155
00:08:22,420 --> 00:08:25,047
If I'm gonna have any chance
of raising this kid,
156
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I need to come up with a big idea
to make some money.
157
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- There's no reason you can't.
- That's easy for you to say.
158
00:08:30,428 --> 00:08:32,763
You and Sheldon already came up
with your superfluid helium model.
159
00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:35,558
That's just research,
we're never gonna make any money from it.
160
00:08:35,725 --> 00:08:39,604
Forget helium. The real superfluid
is the fruit punch in this mug.
161
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Reminds me of my daddy's
secret don't-tell-mama juice.
162
00:08:47,278 --> 00:08:49,322
Uh, these are strong,
you should slow down.
163
00:08:50,239 --> 00:08:51,908
I'll just take one last sip.
164
00:08:52,408 --> 00:08:54,035
(SLURPING)
165
00:08:57,830 --> 00:08:58,831
(EXHALES)
166
00:09:06,881 --> 00:09:09,675
Okay, how about this for an invention?
167
00:09:09,842 --> 00:09:12,678
Slightly bigger cocktail umbrellas.
168
00:09:14,347 --> 00:09:16,182
- How is that a new invention?
- I don't know,
169
00:09:16,349 --> 00:09:18,059
all Apple does
is change the size of things
170
00:09:18,226 --> 00:09:19,518
and we keep buying them.
171
00:09:20,895 --> 00:09:24,190
It's true, I like my giant iPad
and my little iPad
172
00:09:24,357 --> 00:09:26,651
almost as much as my regular-sized iPad.
173
00:09:28,903 --> 00:09:30,238
This place is terrific.
174
00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:32,323
Why have we never been here before?
175
00:09:33,115 --> 00:09:35,743
Same reason we don't do
a lot of fun stuff. You.
176
00:09:37,662 --> 00:09:41,165
That's some smart talk from a guy
who can't even keep his face in focus.
177
00:09:45,127 --> 00:09:47,171
- Where's the bathroom?
- It's in the corner.
178
00:09:47,338 --> 00:09:48,673
Excuse me.
179
00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:52,885
Hey, how you doing?
180
00:09:56,514 --> 00:09:58,266
I hope the bathroom is clearly marked.
181
00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:00,643
Doesn't matter,
he's headed for the kitchen anyway.
182
00:10:02,144 --> 00:10:05,481
Maybe that's an idea.
Guidance systems for drunk people.
183
00:10:05,690 --> 00:10:07,525
They have that, it's called Uber.
184
00:10:09,026 --> 00:10:11,362
Hey, in your super-cooled
helium experiments,
185
00:10:11,529 --> 00:10:13,656
did you create quantum vortices?
186
00:10:13,823 --> 00:10:15,950
- Yeah, why?
- Well, if you made a guidance system,
187
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,452
couldn't you use those vortices
as a gyroscope?
188
00:10:19,078 --> 00:10:20,913
Wow, never thought about that.
189
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:24,458
And since it's in a quantum state,
it would maintain an infinite persistence.
190
00:10:24,625 --> 00:10:27,295
Groundbreaking revelations,
tropical drinks, tell me
191
00:10:27,461 --> 00:10:30,214
this isn't like the best episode
of Sex and the City.
192
00:10:33,843 --> 00:10:35,720
You may have actually
just come up with something.
193
00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:37,263
- You think so?
- Yeah, I really do.
194
00:10:37,430 --> 00:10:40,182
You guys, the bathroom here is amazing.
195
00:10:40,349 --> 00:10:42,143
There's people cooking in it.
196
00:10:46,063 --> 00:10:48,399
Think about all the fun things
you get to do when you have a baby.
197
00:10:48,566 --> 00:10:51,944
Yeah, yeah, you get to buy toys
and little clothes.
198
00:10:52,194 --> 00:10:54,113
I kind of already do that for Howie.
199
00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:56,991
And, whenever you're hungry,
200
00:10:57,158 --> 00:11:00,619
you'll be in a minivan
with Cheerios all over the floor.
201
00:11:02,121 --> 00:11:03,914
Oh, and I just found a new travel cup
for Sheldon.
202
00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:05,583
It only lets out three at a time.
203
00:11:07,376 --> 00:11:09,754
So, when did you guys decide
to get pregnant?
204
00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:12,631
Well, we didn't exactly decide.
205
00:11:12,965 --> 00:11:16,302
We were talking about it, and then
one night we got a little reckless.
206
00:11:16,469 --> 00:11:17,887
- Oh, tell us!
- Yeah, yeah, tell us.
207
00:11:18,054 --> 00:11:19,055
No, I'm embarrassed.
208
00:11:19,263 --> 00:11:20,931
Come on, we're all grown-ups.
We've all done it.
209
00:11:21,140 --> 00:11:23,100
Me! Me, too. I'm a grown-up
and I've done it!
210
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,065
Fine.
211
00:11:29,231 --> 00:11:33,277
We were out one night
and things got a little spontaneous.
212
00:11:33,444 --> 00:11:34,987
Well, that sounds juicy.
213
00:11:35,488 --> 00:11:39,241
Well, Sheldon was going on and on
about time zones and railroad schedules,
214
00:11:39,450 --> 00:11:42,203
- and I went out--
- Wait, I remember that. Hang on,
215
00:11:43,621 --> 00:11:45,289
you did it at our place?
216
00:11:47,625 --> 00:11:49,335
Kind of on Sheldon's bed.
217
00:11:49,502 --> 00:11:51,128
- What?
- No!
218
00:11:54,048 --> 00:11:57,510
I was headed to the bathroom
and I passed Howie on his way out.
219
00:11:58,052 --> 00:12:00,554
Usually he says, "Do not go in there,"
220
00:12:01,639 --> 00:12:04,683
but this time he said,
"Hey, let's go in here."
221
00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:08,062
- How could you do that?
- I'm sorry,
222
00:12:08,229 --> 00:12:10,064
but you know what it's like
when you're with your man
223
00:12:10,231 --> 00:12:11,524
and one thing leads to another.
224
00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:13,776
I do know what that's like, I really do.
225
00:12:17,488 --> 00:12:20,574
I'm not seeing anyone
using liquid helium vortices like this.
226
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:22,201
I'm not finding anything either.
227
00:12:22,451 --> 00:12:23,536
That's a good sign.
228
00:12:23,828 --> 00:12:25,413
Oh, wait, I found something.
229
00:12:25,663 --> 00:12:26,831
Damn, what is it?
230
00:12:26,997 --> 00:12:31,877
This video, the baby panda sneezes
and the momma panda gets so scared.
231
00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:38,300
Can we focus on what we're talking about?
232
00:12:38,467 --> 00:12:42,346
(SIGHS) All right, look, now,
this may be the rum talking,
233
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:45,015
but as long as the unpinning rate
of the vortices
234
00:12:45,182 --> 00:12:47,560
is kept within 1.1 and 1.3,
235
00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:50,479
the Magnus force issue
should be negligible.
236
00:12:52,690 --> 00:12:55,025
Even drunk
he's still smarter than all of us.
237
00:12:57,069 --> 00:13:00,406
And stronger. Who wants to see me
beat up the bartender?
238
00:13:02,783 --> 00:13:03,909
I'd enjoy that.
239
00:13:04,076 --> 00:13:05,453
Nah, she's a good kid.
240
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:09,540
I mean, if this is a viable thing,
241
00:13:09,707 --> 00:13:13,461
we could get a patent and license it
to companies that make guidance systems.
242
00:13:14,044 --> 00:13:17,548
Look at that. You've known you're gonna
be a father for less than a day
243
00:13:17,715 --> 00:13:20,551
- and you're already stepping up.
- I'm telling you, you got this.
244
00:13:20,718 --> 00:13:21,886
Maybe you're right.
245
00:13:22,052 --> 00:13:23,262
Of course he's right.
246
00:13:23,554 --> 00:13:26,849
You and I both know how hard it is
growing up without a father.
247
00:13:27,016 --> 00:13:30,186
That's why I'm confident
you're gonna be the best dad you can be.
248
00:13:32,396 --> 00:13:34,356
- Thank you, Sheldon.
- You're welcome.
249
00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:38,194
And if he has twins, we can do
all kinds of neat experiments on them.
250
00:13:43,741 --> 00:13:45,242
You guys can go in if you want.
251
00:13:45,409 --> 00:13:48,245
No, we're a team. If you can't go in,
we're not going in.
252
00:13:49,747 --> 00:13:51,165
Then why are we drinking?
253
00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:55,127
Okay, it's not like she's got
the Christ child in there, right?
254
00:13:56,378 --> 00:13:57,588
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
255
00:13:58,088 --> 00:14:00,424
Oh, it's Leonard. He says Sheldon's drunk
256
00:14:00,591 --> 00:14:02,676
and they're gonna do karaoke
if we wanna join them.
257
00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:03,844
That sounds fun.
258
00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:05,012
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
259
00:14:06,138 --> 00:14:08,474
Oh, no. Sheldon's drunk texting me.
260
00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:09,683
What's it say?
261
00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:12,102
"Would you like to sing karaoke with us."
262
00:14:12,478 --> 00:14:13,562
How's that a drunk text?
263
00:14:13,729 --> 00:14:15,564
Well, he used a period
instead of a question mark,
264
00:14:15,731 --> 00:14:17,274
(CHUCKLING) he's so wasted.
265
00:14:20,361 --> 00:14:22,404
(SINGING YOUNG MC SONG "BUST A MOVE")
266
00:14:37,461 --> 00:14:39,338
(SINGING HOOK)
267
00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:01,819
- (LEONARD CONTINUES SINGING INDISTINCTLY)
- Hey, guys. Congratulations!
268
00:15:01,986 --> 00:15:02,987
Thank you.
269
00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:04,905
Hi, how are you doing?
270
00:15:05,489 --> 00:15:06,490
Oh, wonderful.
271
00:15:06,699 --> 00:15:09,785
Yeah, I'm being musically encouraged
to Bust a Move.
272
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,288
If I knew what that meant,
I might just do it.
273
00:15:14,123 --> 00:15:16,417
I'm really glad you're here. Can we talk?
274
00:15:16,584 --> 00:15:17,918
Okay.
275
00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:20,546
So, you gonna get up there later?
276
00:15:21,046 --> 00:15:22,047
A microphone,
277
00:15:22,214 --> 00:15:25,175
a room full of inaccurate depictions
of Polynesian religion
278
00:15:25,342 --> 00:15:28,262
and a captive audience to hear about it?
You bet I am.
279
00:15:30,598 --> 00:15:34,310
I'm sorry I freaked out this morning.
I want you to know...
280
00:15:35,436 --> 00:15:36,687
I'm done being scared.
281
00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:39,231
It's okay to be nervous, I am too.
282
00:15:39,398 --> 00:15:40,566
Thank God, 'cause I was lying,
283
00:15:40,733 --> 00:15:43,485
you might not have to wait nine months
to see someone soil their pants.
284
00:15:45,863 --> 00:15:47,865
But I'm also really excited.
285
00:15:49,158 --> 00:15:50,367
I mean it. (CHUCKLES)
286
00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:52,036
Me, too.
287
00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:53,537
I love you.
288
00:15:54,455 --> 00:15:58,459
Mmm. And I'm not just saying that
because your breasts are gonna get bigger.
289
00:15:58,667 --> 00:15:59,877
(LAUGHS)
290
00:16:02,296 --> 00:16:04,298
(SINGING JUSTIN BIEBER SONG "BABY")
291
00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:35,829
(SINGING THE FOUR TOPS SONG
"BABY, I NEED YOUR LOVING")
292
00:16:50,928 --> 00:16:53,138
(SINGING SALT-N-PEPA SONG "PUSH IT")
293
00:16:59,645 --> 00:17:00,938
I appreciate this, but you really don--
294
00:17:03,941 --> 00:17:06,276
(SINGING "MY COUNTRY, 'TIS OF THEE")
295
00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:32,302
I'd like to dedicate
my last song of the evening
296
00:17:32,469 --> 00:17:37,933
to my wife, best friend
and now the mother of our child.
297
00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:40,811
I love you, Bernie.
298
00:17:43,313 --> 00:17:45,524
(SINGING PAUL ANKA SONG
"HAVING MY BABY")
299
00:18:01,790 --> 00:18:06,420
You're kidding! What kind of maniacs
have coitus in someone else's bedroom?
300
00:18:10,007 --> 00:18:11,675
Thank you, Pasadena, good night!
301
00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:13,677
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
302
00:18:18,766 --> 00:18:20,392
That was such a fun night.
303
00:18:20,726 --> 00:18:23,896
Probably 'cause you got to see
your man up there rocking the mic.
304
00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:28,609
Yeah, yeah. I was a little surprised
when you decided to beatbox.
305
00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:29,818
Oh.
306
00:18:30,027 --> 00:18:32,529
That was really an asthma attack,
I just sold it.
307
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,534
Well, I am so happy
for Howard and Bernadette.
308
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:38,744
Me, too.
309
00:18:40,412 --> 00:18:41,663
So, you ever think about it?
310
00:18:42,206 --> 00:18:43,248
Babies?
311
00:18:43,415 --> 00:18:46,043
Well, I'm not in a rush,
but someday, yeah, sure.
312
00:18:46,543 --> 00:18:47,669
What about you?
313
00:18:49,004 --> 00:18:51,048
I think we'd make amazing parents.
314
00:18:51,590 --> 00:18:53,425
SHELDON: Will you guys keep it down?
315
00:18:58,347 --> 00:19:00,974
On the other hand,
we might lack a certain maturity.
316
00:19:31,088 --> 00:19:32,089
English - SDH