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PENNY: Previously on
The Big Bang Theory...
2
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I guess I'm still wondering
if Emily and I are right for each other.
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Does this have to do with that girl
you had coffee with?
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You mean the strong, sexy angel
I can't stop thinking about? Who can say?
5
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I need to come up with a big idea
to make some money.
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- There's no reason you can't.
- That's easy for you to say.
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You and Sheldon already came up
with your superfluid helium model.
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That's just research,
we're never gonna make any money from it.
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Forget helium. The real superfluid
is the fruit punch in this mug.
10
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Reminds me of my daddy's
secret don't-tell-mama juice.
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Maybe that's an idea.
Guidance systems for drunk people.
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They have that, it's called Uber.
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Hey, in your super-cooled
helium experiments,
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did you create quantum vortices?
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- Yeah, why?
- Well, if you made a guidance system,
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couldn't you use those vortices
as a gyroscope?
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Never thought about that.
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And since it's in a quantum state,
it would maintain an infinite persistence.
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Groundbreaking revelations,
tropical drinks, tell me
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this isn't like the best episode
of Sex and the City.
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Okay, I gotta ask.
Why are you wearing a bow tie?
22
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Well, I've never applied
for a patent before.
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I wanted to make a good impression.
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Is the impression
that your first name is Pee-wee?
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(CHUCKLES)
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Yeah, well, you're an engineer.
End of joke, burn.
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Come on in, fellas.
28
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See, he's not wearing a tie.
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Well, he's a patent attorney,
maybe his tie is pending.
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So, I've reviewed your paperwork.
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It seems like we've got everything we need
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to file a patent
for your infinite persistence gyroscope.
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- That's great!
- Excellent.
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So what happens next?
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Well, the legal team needs to review
existing patents to avoid overlap.
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Oh, I don't think there will be.
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Yes, we did our own search, so...
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That's nice, but I think ours
might be a bit more thorough.
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(CHUCKLES) Get a load of this guy.
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Can you imagine
if we make money with this?
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Well, if we do, I am splurging
on the best sinus irrigator money can buy.
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That old sad story, guy gets
a little money,
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- goes straight up his nose.
- (CHUCKLES)
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Just need you to review
and sign this document
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acknowledging that you understand
the university will own 75% of the patent.
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Seventy-five percent?
47
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That's outrageous.
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I mean, this is our idea
based on our research.
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How can you possibly justify
owning a majority share?
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It's university policy.
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I know when I'm beat.
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Hold on, hold on.
So the three of us do all the work
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and only end up with 25%?
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Dr. Hofstadter, this university's been
paying your salaries for over ten years.
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Do you think we do that
out of the goodness of our hearts?
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Well, until you just said
that mean thing, kind of.
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And as far as Mr. Wolowitz is concerned,
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I'm afraid as a federal employee
on loan from NASA,
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your name can be on the patent, but...
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You're not entitled to an ownership share.
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Wait, so this can turn out to be
a financial success and I get nothing?
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Well, sometimes they give you a plaque.
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Well, that's not fair.
We should all get plaques.
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Sorry, but we can't sign this.
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Come on, let's go.
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Thank you for your time.
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A couple of questions about the plaque--
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(THEME SONG PLAYS)
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00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:05,413
So, have you been having
any morning sickness?
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00:04:05,830 --> 00:04:09,042
A little, and it doesn't help that I have
this heightened sense of smell.
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What, is that a pregnancy thing?
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Yeah. The other day I sniffed out
where Howie hid the Girl Scout Cookies.
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No more Tagalongs, my ass.
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But now you'll be able to make
your own milk to eat the cookies with.
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Hey, guys. Hey, Penny,
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I really appreciate you helping me
with this. I don't know what to do.
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- Sure, let me see it.
- See what?
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I hadn't spoken to Emily
since I broke up with her,
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and she left this
on my doorstep with a note.
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"Raj, I got you this before we split up
but couldn't return it
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"and thought you'd like to have it.
Happy belated Valentine's Day, Emily."
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That's nice.
83
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"Nice," or is she trying
to manipulate him?
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I know. I mean, do I open it?
Do I return it?
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Why wouldn't you open it?
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Well, she was pretty mad,
for all I know it's a voodoo doll of me
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with a fork stuck in my junk.
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You don't think she'd actually send you
something gross or dangerous, do you?
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I know one way to find out. Sniff this.
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She's pregnant, she's not a bloodhound.
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Although I am getting
a little machine oil, I think it's metal.
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Come on, just open it.
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You know, on Game of Thrones
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Balon Greyjoy received
his son's genitals in a box.
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Oh, never hurts to have a spare.
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(BLOWS)
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- BERNADETTE: What is that?
- Wow!
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It's an antique sextant.
99
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Sailors used these
to find their positions by the stars.
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What a nice gift for an astrophysicist.
101
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I know, she's so thoughtful.
102
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See, she's trying to get you back.
103
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Now that is exactly
what I would've gotten you
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if I had any idea
what it is or what you do.
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You know, I...
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I have too much self-esteem
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to let this girl guilt me
into getting back together with her.
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You don't need to be pregnant
to smell that load of crap.
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(SIGHS)
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Well...
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What if we go around the university
and just get the patent ourselves?
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We can't. It says on their website
as long as we work there,
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they have a controlling ownership
of anything we come up with.
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Great. So they own my idea for a T-shirt
that says "Dumb as a Bag of Geologists."
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Well, our choices are
we do this with the university
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or we don't do it at all.
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Either way, I get nothing.
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Or if we end up making money from this,
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Sheldon and I could
split our shares with you.
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To be clear,
Leonard's referring to the gyroscope,
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not the T-shirt and mugs.
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Oh!
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Now they own the mugs.
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I guess that is a way around this.
You guys would be cool doing it like that?
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Of course,
we would split any profits three ways.
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- I'm fine with that.
- Okay, great.
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It sounds like a contract
might be in order.
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Sure, we could write something up.
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But which one of us
should be the party who--
130
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You can do it, Sheldon.
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So stipulated!
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Once I found a stash of contracts
under his bed, it was weird.
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I wonder how much she spent on this.
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Ooh! Let's find out.
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It doesn't matter,
it's the thought that counts.
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Yeah, yeah, and beauty's on the inside,
size doesn't matter. How much she spend?
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Seriously, guys, I don't wanna know.
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Oh, my.
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Well, come on, you can't say,
"Oh, my" and then not tell me!
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These things go for $500 and up.
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Damn. All I got for Valentine's Day
was a postcard saying
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my Vermont Teddy Bear was back-ordered.
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Okay, so she drops off a $500 gift
144
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and she's not trying
to get back together with you?
145
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Maybe you're right.
146
00:07:47,718 --> 00:07:49,804
Or she's telling the truth
and just being nice.
147
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Maybe you're right.
Wow, I am easy to manipulate.
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Guys, it's Emily. What should I do?
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Okay. Answer it.
Just be strong, and if she starts to cry,
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don't make any promises,
and most importantly,
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put it on speaker so we can hear.
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- Hello.
- EMILY: Hey, it's Emily.
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Is this a good time?
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Yeah, yeah, sure. What's up?
155
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Was it okay I left that gift?
I'm really hoping we can be friends.
156
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Maybe, maybe.
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Um, you think you'd wanna
grab a cup of coffee?
158
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Hello?
159
00:08:43,232 --> 00:08:46,485
I'm sorry, I seem to be taking
an annoying amount of time
160
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deciding how I feel about this!
161
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I just... I miss hanging out with you.
162
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It's not like I lost a friend,
it's like I lost my best friend.
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(SOBBING) Is there any chance
you'd wanna come over?
164
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I'm sorry.
I don't think that's a good idea.
165
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Okay.
I'm just, I'm having a really hard time,
166
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but that's not your problem, that's mine.
167
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I won't bother you again,
168
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but please know that you'll
always have a place in my heart.
169
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(GAGGING)
170
00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:28,277
Bye, Raj. You're a good guy.
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00:09:29,528 --> 00:09:31,072
Goodbye, Emily.
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(EXHALES)
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That was rough, you guys.
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I know, but you did it.
I'm so proud of you.
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(SIGHS) Well, anyway,
I'll leave you to your girls' night.
176
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Are you sure you
don't wanna stay here with us?
177
00:09:41,832 --> 00:09:43,626
No, I kind of
feel like being alone right now.
178
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Well, if you change your mind,
we'll be here.
179
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Thank you.
180
00:09:48,339 --> 00:09:49,340
Say hi to Emily for us.
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Will do.
182
00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:59,183
Yeah, this contract looks good to me.
183
00:09:59,350 --> 00:10:03,646
I'll say it looks good.
It's in my proprietary font, Shelvetica.
184
00:10:07,233 --> 00:10:10,361
I wanna say something obnoxious,
but it is easy on the eyes.
185
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:14,323
I'm a little tired, Howie,
you ready to go?
186
00:10:14,490 --> 00:10:16,701
Yeah, one sec.
I just need to sign this contract.
187
00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:17,868
What is it?
188
00:10:18,035 --> 00:10:19,704
Well, we ran into a problem
about my share of the patent,
189
00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:23,207
so we're forming a partnership
to split anything we make equally.
190
00:10:23,708 --> 00:10:25,084
Sheldon, did you draft the contract?
191
00:10:25,251 --> 00:10:26,585
You bet I did.
192
00:10:27,169 --> 00:10:29,297
You're gonna make out so hard tonight.
193
00:10:33,926 --> 00:10:36,429
So, you're just gonna sign this
without having a lawyer look at it?
194
00:10:36,595 --> 00:10:40,558
Excuse me, I've been drafting contracts
since kindergarten.
195
00:10:40,725 --> 00:10:42,393
Didn't need a lawyer to get me
out of finger painting,
196
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:43,602
don't need one now.
197
00:10:45,229 --> 00:10:46,230
I know, but--
198
00:10:46,397 --> 00:10:49,692
Bernie, the guys were nice enough to find
a way to keep me from being cut out.
199
00:10:50,401 --> 00:10:53,321
Well, I should hope so.
The whole thing was your idea.
200
00:10:53,904 --> 00:10:58,242
Well, to be fair,
Howard's idea was based on Sheldon's math.
201
00:10:58,409 --> 00:11:00,911
Guys, everyone is involved in this, okay?
202
00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:03,247
Howard's invention, Sheldon's math,
203
00:11:03,414 --> 00:11:06,584
my original theory that space time
was like a super-cooled liquid,
204
00:11:06,751 --> 00:11:08,336
which I'm sure Penny would've mentioned
205
00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:10,546
if she wasn't working on
that hangnail right now.
206
00:11:12,798 --> 00:11:13,924
What?
207
00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:17,928
- Honey, this is fine.
- Okay.
208
00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:20,973
You wanna sign a contract
that Sheldon whipped up, go ahead.
209
00:11:21,265 --> 00:11:22,850
Can I talk to you in the hall?
210
00:11:23,184 --> 00:11:24,769
- Sure.
- Excuse us.
211
00:11:27,313 --> 00:11:28,314
Hey, Leonard.
212
00:11:28,481 --> 00:11:29,565
What?
213
00:11:29,732 --> 00:11:31,984
If she doesn't think
that we should apply for this patent,
214
00:11:32,151 --> 00:11:34,779
she's being patently absurd.
215
00:11:37,573 --> 00:11:38,824
Good one.
216
00:11:39,825 --> 00:11:42,370
Okay, you got it.
See, I was afraid it was a thinker.
217
00:11:45,373 --> 00:11:46,457
What are you doing?
218
00:11:46,624 --> 00:11:48,376
I just wanna make sure
you've thought this through.
219
00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:49,543
What's to think about?
220
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:51,796
We have an invention
and wanna move forward.
221
00:11:51,962 --> 00:11:56,634
Howie, you're about to form
a legal partnership with Sheldon Cooper.
222
00:11:59,428 --> 00:12:02,014
All right, if you're gonna
calmly make excellent points
223
00:12:02,181 --> 00:12:03,766
then I don't know if I wanna talk to you.
224
00:12:07,019 --> 00:12:08,646
Okay, I get it.
225
00:12:08,813 --> 00:12:12,817
And it's sweet that you're worried
about me, but I can take care of myself.
226
00:12:12,983 --> 00:12:15,903
I'm not worried about you,
I'm worried about me.
227
00:12:16,070 --> 00:12:19,198
I don't wanna go through this pregnancy
listening to you complain about Sheldon
228
00:12:19,365 --> 00:12:21,784
driving you crazy
more than you already do.
229
00:12:21,951 --> 00:12:24,745
Here we go with the ironclad logic again.
230
00:12:27,164 --> 00:12:29,959
You've tried to work with him before,
it hasn't gone well.
231
00:12:30,584 --> 00:12:32,461
Why is this time gonna be any different?
232
00:12:33,712 --> 00:12:35,840
Is the fetus helping you?
'Cause that's cheating.
233
00:12:39,009 --> 00:12:41,011
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
234
00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:45,015
- Hello.
- Hey, Raj. It's Claire, how are you?
235
00:12:45,182 --> 00:12:47,601
Hi, I'm good. Really good.
236
00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:50,229
Well, I don't know why I said
"really good," I'm just regular good.
237
00:12:50,396 --> 00:12:52,106
I really just wanted to sound confident.
238
00:12:52,273 --> 00:12:53,691
And that "really" was a real really,
239
00:12:53,858 --> 00:12:55,734
not a fake "really"
like the first "really."
240
00:12:57,194 --> 00:12:58,195
Really?
241
00:12:58,362 --> 00:13:01,157
I don't know,
I lost track and I missed my exit.
242
00:13:01,615 --> 00:13:03,659
So, uh, so what's up?
243
00:13:03,826 --> 00:13:07,538
Well, last time we talked I had just
gotten back together with my boyfriend
244
00:13:07,705 --> 00:13:10,040
and I wanted to let you know
that things didn't work out.
245
00:13:10,207 --> 00:13:13,002
Really?
I'm sorry, I swear I know other words.
246
00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:16,088
So if you were still interested--
247
00:13:16,255 --> 00:13:19,049
Yes! Indeed. Absolutely. Indubitably.
248
00:13:19,216 --> 00:13:22,219
I'm not even sure what the last one means,
but it's another word and I know it.
249
00:13:23,554 --> 00:13:25,389
So, when do you wanna meet up?
250
00:13:25,556 --> 00:13:28,350
Um, I'm almost off work,
what are you doing now?
251
00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:30,519
Right now? Well...
252
00:13:31,270 --> 00:13:32,855
Well, actually, to be completely honest,
253
00:13:33,022 --> 00:13:36,275
I'm stopping by to see my ex-girlfriend
because she's having a tough time,
254
00:13:36,442 --> 00:13:38,360
but it's not like
we're getting back together or anything.
255
00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:41,113
Let me guess,
the worst part about breaking up
256
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:44,074
is that she doesn't have
her best friend to talk to anymore?
257
00:13:44,366 --> 00:13:46,952
That's exactly what she said!
How do you know that?
258
00:13:47,203 --> 00:13:49,997
I'm a girl,
that's like page one out of the playbook.
259
00:13:50,915 --> 00:13:53,501
Any chance
you could send me a PDF of that playbook?
260
00:13:56,504 --> 00:13:57,755
Been out there awhile.
261
00:13:57,922 --> 00:13:59,131
Hope everything's okay.
262
00:13:59,298 --> 00:14:00,758
I wonder what they're talking about.
263
00:14:00,925 --> 00:14:02,968
If you guys would shut up,
I could tell you.
264
00:14:04,762 --> 00:14:06,180
Oh, be cool, be cool, be cool.
265
00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:09,600
- Hey.
- Hello.
266
00:14:09,767 --> 00:14:10,768
Hey. You guys all right?
267
00:14:10,935 --> 00:14:15,022
Yeah. But, um, we were talking and...
268
00:14:15,940 --> 00:14:19,443
I'm a little concerned about
the three of us forming a partnership.
269
00:14:20,653 --> 00:14:24,114
Are you suggesting
a limited liability corporation?
270
00:14:25,324 --> 00:14:27,952
'Cause I did not L-L-see that coming.
271
00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:36,168
Sheldon, my concern is not with the money
or anything, it's with how you treat me.
272
00:14:37,211 --> 00:14:39,505
Well, I believe
I'm treating you generously.
273
00:14:39,672 --> 00:14:42,633
That's why I've stipulated
in the contract that your contributions
274
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:45,219
to our invention
are as valuable as my own.
275
00:14:45,636 --> 00:14:48,973
Are you saying that his contributions
aren't as valuable as yours?
276
00:14:49,390 --> 00:14:53,477
No, I'm not saying that,
because I kept saying that this morning
277
00:14:53,644 --> 00:14:55,145
and Leonard said stop saying that.
278
00:14:57,773 --> 00:15:00,401
See, this is what happens
every time we work together.
279
00:15:00,568 --> 00:15:04,238
You know, hang on. What if Sheldon
had no choice but to be respectful?
280
00:15:05,656 --> 00:15:08,409
What? Is there a switch on the back
of his neck we don't know about?
281
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,580
No. What I'm saying is,
you could add a clause to the contract
282
00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:13,998
that he can't make fun of Howard.
283
00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:15,374
How would you enforce it?
284
00:15:15,541 --> 00:15:17,793
Oh, please, any contract I sign
285
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,504
is enforced by my own personal code
of ethics.
286
00:15:20,671 --> 00:15:22,965
- And his obsessive-compulsive disorder.
- Yeah, that, too.
287
00:15:24,675 --> 00:15:27,428
And scoot over,
part of your shadow is on my spot. Move.
288
00:15:31,432 --> 00:15:32,808
Howard, what do you think?
289
00:15:34,018 --> 00:15:35,019
I'm on board.
290
00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:36,270
Good. I'll add it right now.
291
00:15:36,437 --> 00:15:38,314
Oh, baby, it's addendum time!
292
00:15:42,026 --> 00:15:44,028
(LINE RINGING)
293
00:15:45,237 --> 00:15:47,656
- EMILY: Hello?
- Hey, Emily, listen.
294
00:15:48,032 --> 00:15:51,702
I've been thinking and I'm not sure
it's a good idea that I come over.
295
00:15:51,869 --> 00:15:52,870
Oh.
296
00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:55,831
(CRYING) Okay, I understand.
297
00:15:56,248 --> 00:15:57,875
No, no. Please don't cry.
298
00:15:58,042 --> 00:15:59,627
Okay, I'll stop!
299
00:16:01,462 --> 00:16:04,840
- Hello?
- Hey, so listen, Claire, change of plans.
300
00:16:07,134 --> 00:16:09,637
Fine, do what you want,
but she's playing you.
301
00:16:09,887 --> 00:16:12,514
I don't think so,
she sounded pretty upset.
302
00:16:12,681 --> 00:16:15,934
You mean like, "I was just really
looking forward to seeing you."
303
00:16:16,101 --> 00:16:17,770
"I'm having such a rough day."
304
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,064
Emily, listen.
305
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,403
I'm sorry, but I can't come by.
306
00:16:26,570 --> 00:16:27,655
Why not?
307
00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:31,742
I think we both know if I come over
we're gonna get back together and--
308
00:16:31,909 --> 00:16:33,827
I told you I needed a friend.
309
00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:36,080
What do you think is happening here?
310
00:16:37,289 --> 00:16:38,374
Call you right back.
311
00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:46,090
The revisions I made start on page four.
312
00:16:47,091 --> 00:16:49,343
That is a lot of "whereupons."
313
00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:52,429
You should see
the Valentine's Day card he gave me.
314
00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:56,934
"Article three.
As it pertains to this project,
315
00:16:57,101 --> 00:16:59,561
"Dr. Sheldon Cooper
promises to abstain from all insulting
316
00:16:59,728 --> 00:17:02,981
"or disrespectful language
directed toward Howard Wolowitz,
317
00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:06,610
"including but not limited to
mockery of engineering, his height,
318
00:17:06,777 --> 00:17:07,986
"his hair, his wardrobe
319
00:17:08,153 --> 00:17:11,281
"and his insane belief
that the Ghost Rider movie
320
00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:13,117
"was, quote, 'Not that bad.""
321
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:19,373
Hang on, maybe there should be
a no insult clause about me, too?
322
00:17:19,540 --> 00:17:21,834
- Do you still like cilantro?
- Yeah.
323
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,293
You're tying my hands here.
324
00:17:25,838 --> 00:17:26,839
All right, let's sign this.
325
00:17:27,005 --> 00:17:29,258
Wait, wait, wait.
What are these changes on page six?
326
00:17:29,425 --> 00:17:30,592
Sheldon, what did you do?
327
00:17:30,759 --> 00:17:32,052
I should've known.
328
00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:34,680
"Twenty-five percent of profits
due to Sheldon Cooper
329
00:17:34,847 --> 00:17:36,473
"will be allocated to a scholarship fund
330
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:39,393
"for the first born child
of Howard and Bernadette Wolowitz."
331
00:17:41,979 --> 00:17:43,564
Sheldon, that's so nice.
332
00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:47,276
That beats the onesie
I was gonna get them from babyGap.
333
00:17:50,404 --> 00:17:52,281
That's very generous, Sheldon.
334
00:17:52,448 --> 00:17:54,867
Oh, I've always valued education
over money.
335
00:17:55,033 --> 00:17:58,287
And the very fact that you needed
a written guarantee of respect
336
00:17:58,454 --> 00:18:01,373
made me realize how dismissive
I've been of your contributions.
337
00:18:02,541 --> 00:18:03,751
I appreciate that.
338
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:08,005
And I just hope that this scholarship
can rescue your child
339
00:18:08,172 --> 00:18:11,925
from the subpar education
and menial life of an engineer.
340
00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:18,015
- Sheldon.
- What? I didn't sign it yet.
341
00:18:25,355 --> 00:18:28,525
I hear what you're saying,
but I've known Emily a long time
342
00:18:28,692 --> 00:18:30,861
and think she deserves
the benefit of the doubt.
343
00:18:31,570 --> 00:18:34,782
All right, it's your life,
but you know how this is gonna end.
344
00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:36,617
As a matter of fact, I do.
345
00:18:36,784 --> 00:18:39,453
I'm gonna comfort her
because I'm a caring and decent friend
346
00:18:39,620 --> 00:18:43,040
who's happy to be there
when she needs someone to talk to.
347
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:44,875
Good talk.
348
00:19:16,281 --> 00:19:17,282
English - SDH